Monday, June 1, 2009

Blank Canvas

So today I found out that my ex girlfriend (aka the Best I Ever Had) has a new boyfriend. Now i found out a little while ago that she may be in a relationship but today confirmed it. Now at first I wasn't too bothered by it because we'd been apart for like a year now, but as the day went on it started to eat at me from the inside until I was pretty much ready to crack some skulls. At that moment I knew that I had to get out of my house so that I could clear my head so I call up my dude Drew and we head over to his place to talk and chill. After getting alot of that anger and disappointment out of my system I was left feeling kind of blank. It's funny how you think that you've completely got someone or something out of your system only to realize that deep down you may never fully get over it. She was my first love and my first heartbreak and as pathetic as it sounds a part of me hoped that maybe she'd come back to me one day after I let her go but I guess I'm not exactly that fortunate. I pretty much worked myself to the bone to make our relationship work out while we were together but she found a way to slip out of my hands and now she's found someone new before I have. It's kinda feels like a slap to the face. Lately my friends have individually finding that special one around me while I've been pretty much stuck on the sidelines watching it all happen and staring at the empty seat next to me drifting off into a land of what if? Throughout most of my life i've been known as "the good friend" or "the funny guy" but never really had girls who liked me as a boyfriend. Usually I would like girls and try and let them know but they'd be quick to shoot my down and give me the "let's just be friends" speech or "you're a great guy and I don't wanna lose you as a friend". No one would ever give me the chance to show them that there's more to me than some clown with a good heart and because i'd never get the oppuritunity i slowly became a lonely clown awaiting his next show. Even know as I've matured and gotten older i get the same treatment because no one will just step out and take a risk with me which leaves me once again staring from the sidelines with a fake smile plastered on my face watching other people bask in happiness. Sorry if i sound like a bitch or a little emo but I just needed to get a few things off my chest. I really hope that I can find some paint to bring some life to my blank canvas...

Dueces Up!



  1. Strange how when I came on here the song playing was Kanye West's song 'Amazing' was playing...That was a song that made me think of you but now I'm thinking Eminem's song Beautiful....

    Anyways, it's not pathetic because I know exactly how this feel...I've made peace with the fact that I'm not with my ex because he was also the one guy that I've actually felt so much feelings for and was devastated when we split...but I know that when he finds someone else I'm always gonna feel a certain pain. I feel your pain when you see people around you finding someone and you're left alone on the sidelines to just stand there and pretend you're happy when really you just wanna walk away from it or scream...I won't tell you to cheer up or be strong...we're all entitled to show weakness no matter how much we wanna hide it...You know I'm here for ya and I'll leave ya alone until you feel better and just take this anger and emotions and turn it into creation...Luv ya man....


  2. I'm really sorry Marcus. Situations like this are part of what makes me so cynical about love and convinced that relationships are overrated, but I'm a commitment-phobe like no one's business because I'm terrified of getting attached and not having my heart belong solely to me anymore. It takes a strong person to be willing to fall in love without putting their guard up, but I don't have that kind of Superman strength yet. ><

    And you know something? You fully deserve someone who's honest about their feelings for you, who means every single "I love you", and sees you for the amazing person you know you are. And you'll find her, too--believe that.

  3. thanks to the both of both are so fuckin special to me for sending those words of encouragement my way. It's because of my friends that I get by but as you both know the companionship of a significant other is a whole different type of thing so i don't want it to seem like my friends aren't enough, just need something else to fill up that whole you kno? I love you both dearly tho

  4. <3

    Of course having a significant other is a whole nuffa leva but ya know they come and go but friends stick like superglue and sometimes come in ringpops...or Mexicans....or Asians....ya know but yeah we'll always be there....